2023.1.2
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我买了一个胶片相机作为自己的新年礼物
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家庭照片
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好像每个人都有一张印象深刻的童年旧照
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我什么也没有
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不是没有照片 只是我找不到和自己有连结的那一张
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也不知道怎么用新相机拍下决定性的那一刻
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我怕自己找不到那个决定性瞬间
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睡着又被外面的黑色惊醒
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想到明天要回家
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心里发慌
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想到自己的纹身
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父母会发觉他们又离我远了一点
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2023.1.3
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看到云,想到期待着和心里的人见面那天,在室外餐厅看着巨大的棉絮一样的云聚拢又散开,就这么明目张胆地快速移动,天空张开一个大口子,光束进来。就这样看着,想着对方,想到那一天,那一刻,胸口还是湿湿热热的,心脏加速跳动。
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我们以相似的频率震动
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不是同频
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也无法交合
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多希望奇迹会在某一天发生
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我不断杀死过去的自己
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又在自己的尸体上重生
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只要给我一点点
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就是那一点点
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我总是拼死抓住那一点点
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向上长,向外长,贪婪地要
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从我出生起便在不停地向深渊摔下去
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在深渊里学游泳
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在人生过了1/3之后开始慢慢浮上来
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在一架正在起飞的飞机上写下1/3是不是有些冒险了?
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外面天空那样灰
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我心里有一块抹不去的黑色
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我知道
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我经历的所有、所有事
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都将会成为我的素材
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我知道所有的痛苦都在滋养我
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眼泪不受控制地落下来
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不知道是在替自己还是自己爱的人悲哀
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被我爱上或许是某种诅咒
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飞机冲上云霄
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白色的亮光像一把把剑从窗户里刺进来
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手上拿着的书的最后一页长满了因爱欲而盛开的花朵
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是《爱欲之死》
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你是不是也和我一样孤独无处排解
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即使是和人在一起的时候
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和我在一起的时候
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我也是
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只有分离能让我更敏感
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更聪明
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我只能活在对过去的追忆和对未来的想象里
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